Wednesday, December 20, 2017

(not) Suicidal Thought

I never had a suicidal thought before.
I don't think it's a way to solve any problem that happen in me.
And it's really not a best option, at least for me.

I don't really have a hard life. I have a friends, i have my family in my back, i have everything that i need. My life always been peaceful. I never get bullying from others, nor i mind what anyone said about me. I don't think too much, and i don't care too much. I'm just too ignorant with everything around me. I always thought i'm happy as long as everyone around me are happy too.

I never had a suicidal thought.
I think it's ridiculous if i should end mylife just because life had been hard to me. I always have people to support me, to hug me, to say everything gonna be alright and they're always be there for me. So many peopl that ,maybe, would comforting me and at least made me back in spirit again. I always have God to rely on if people can't really help me. So, yes. It's ridiculous to hurt my own body, or attempt to suicide if i already had everything that i need. And it's not nice to destroy my own body where God already gave it to me in a perfect state.

But, i do have this thought.
What if i die?
Not from suicide, but from other factors.
Like a heart attack? or incurable diseases? or maybe an accident?
Like, maybe God already made me a time to meet Him sooner.

What if i die? and leave everyone?
Would it be nice in afterlife? or not?
Do i worthy enough to fit in the heaven?
Or maybe God decided to throw me in hell because of many sin that i did in this world?
I dont know, but i do have this thought like once in awhile, or maybe in everymorning

What if i abandon everything in this world? and going through in the next life?
What if i die?

I always curious if people really missed me if i'm gone.
Would be they cried over the river? 
Or maybe would they just think 'ah, such an unfortune' and keep going like nothing happened? 
Or would they can't move on with me gone forever? 
Or maybe they just never really gave it a thought of it, like always i did. ignorant to everything?

I'm afraid of death, of course.
What if it's become true?
I'm not ready, who's ready to face the death ?

But, it's just my thought. What if i die?
Do everything will be change?
Do world would keep going as usual even i'm not a part of it?
Do everyone would forget me? like i always forget about someone who leave this life?
I even forget their face,
I even forget their voice,
It's bizzare. and i never going to see them again
Until God let us meet again maybe, 
in the next life?

Would they forget me too?
like i always did?
I guess they would.
Like i always did

In the end, i'm seeking approval from other people. I'm seeking a help from other people, when i know don't put expectation too high in human. Because expectation and judgement from human is scary.
If you think i don't really have in faith in my God, maybe that's true. I don't know.
But, i'll try to seek a help and an approval from Him. I'll try to rely on Him more than i did to human. I'll try to be a better person, at least for me. not for others.
I'll work on it :)